Stop Asking "How Was School": Using Simple Routines to Get Kids to Talk

Specific questions get far more detailed responses than broad questions like "How was school?" Children struggle to summarize 6 hours of experiences—their brains haven't developed that synthesis ability yet. The "Highlights and Lowlights" method (asking for one good thing and one hard thing) works because it narrows focus and legitimizes sharing struggles. This guide includes 35+ specific questions organized by what they reveal.

Last Updated: February 2026 | Based on research on elaborative reminiscing and emotional socialization from developmental psychology.

We've all been there. You're waiting at the bus stop or helping your child out of the auto-rickshaw after a long day. You're dying to know what happened in that classroom for six hours. You ask, "How was school today?" and you get the dreaded, one-word answer: "Fine."

It isn't that they are being secretive. For a 5-year-old, "school" is a massive, blurry concept. Asking how it was is like asking us to summarize our entire career in one sentence while we're trying to take our shoes off. (This is also why teaching kids to wait their turn before speaking is so important—their brains are still developing patience.)

Why This Matters

Children who discuss their daily experiences with parents develop better memory, emotional intelligence, and coping mechanisms. Research on "elaborative reminiscing" shows that the way parents talk to children about the past shapes the child's developing sense of self.

When we use routines like "Highlights and Lowlights" method, we give children a framework. Instead of a broad question, we ask for one good thing and one not-so-good thing. This narrows the focus. It helps them sift through the noise of the day, and find a specific story to tell.

This approach changes the dynamic from an interrogation to a conversation. It shows them that we care about their feelings, not just their performance or whether they finished their dabba. Pair this with a consistent bedtime routine and you create multiple opportunities for connection throughout the day.

What Research Says

Psychologists have found that the way parents talk to their children about the past helps shape the child's developing sense of self. Research on elaborative reminiscing shows that when parents ask specific, open-ended questions about shared or individual experiences, children develop better memory and higher emotional intelligence.

By asking for a "lowlight," we also normalize the idea that it's okay to have a bad moment. Studies on emotional socialization suggest that when parents acknowledge and discuss negative emotions, children develop better coping mechanisms.

30+ Questions to Ask Instead of "How Was School?"

Specific, concrete questions trigger episodic memory; broad questions require synthesis that young brains can't do well. "Who did you sit with at lunch?" works better than "How was lunch?" because it anchors to a specific moment. The questions below are organized by what they reveal: social dynamics, learning, feelings, and daily details.

About Friends & Social Life

1. "Who did you sit with at lunch today?" — reveals friendship dynamics
2. "Did anyone make you laugh today? What happened?" — positive memory trigger
3. "Who did you play with during break time?" — shows social patterns
4. "Was anyone absent today? Do you know why?" — builds awareness of others
5. "Did you help anyone today, or did someone help you?" — surfaces kindness moments
6. "Who would you want to invite for a playdate?" — reveals who they're connecting with
7. "Did anyone say something that surprised you?" — captures social observations

About Learning & Classroom

8. "What did your teacher read aloud today?" — connects to building reading habits
9. "Did you learn any new words today?" — vocabulary building awareness
10. "What was the hardest thing you did today?" — reveals struggles without judgment
11. "What did you draw or write today?" — concrete memory prompt
12. "Did your teacher tell any stories?" — narrative memory
13. "What questions did you ask in class?" — encourages curiosity
14. "What would you teach me from what you learned?" — reverses the dynamic

Feelings & Experiences

15. "What was the best part of today?" — classic highlight
16. "Was there anything that made you feel worried?" — opens door to concerns
17. "Did anything make you feel proud today?" — surfaces achievements
18. "What was boring today?" — validates that not everything is exciting
19. "Did anything confuse you?" — identifies learning gaps
20. "When did you feel happiest today?" — pinpoints positive moments
21. "Was there a moment you wished I was there?" — reveals vulnerability

Fun & Specific Triggers

22. "What did you eat first from your dabba?" — concrete, easy to answer
23. "Did anything funny happen in the bus/van?" — transport is often eventful
24. "What game was everyone playing at break?" — reveals playground trends
25. "If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?" — imaginative processing
26. "What's something your teacher said that you remember?" — specific recall
27. "Did you use any art supplies today?" — activity-based memory
28. "What was the loudest moment of the day?" — sensory memory trigger

The "Would You Rather" Variations

29. "Would you rather have had more break time or more art time today?" — reveals preferences
30. "Would you rather sit next to [friend A] or [friend B] tomorrow?" — social dynamics
31. "Would you rather do today again or skip to tomorrow?" — overall day sentiment

The Indirect Approach

32. "Tell me one rule you followed today" — structure without judgment
33. "What do you think [friend's name] would say about today?" — perspective-taking
34. "If your day was a color, what color would it be?" — creative expression
35. "On a scale of 1-10, how was today? What would make it a 10?" — quantified with improvement focus

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Age-Specific Conversation Starters

Children's ability to discuss their day develops with age: toddlers recall objects, preschoolers recall events, and school-age children can reflect on feelings. Match your questions to their developmental stage for better conversations.

Ages 2-3: Keep It Concrete

Toddlers can't summarize — they recall objects and actions.

What works:

• "Did you play with the blocks today?"
• "What song did you sing?"
• "Did you go to the playground?"
• "What did teacher give you to eat?"

Pro tip: Use their artwork or crafts as conversation starters. "Tell me about this drawing!"

Activity pairing: Animal Sounds Safari builds the vocabulary they need to describe their day.

Ages 4-5: Story Starters

Preschoolers are developing narrative skills but need prompts.

What works:

• "Who was the line leader today?"
• "What was the funniest thing that happened?"
• "Did anyone cry today? What happened?"
• "What did you build or make?"

Pro tip: Ask "And then what happened?" to extend their stories.

Activity pairing: Magic Story Stone Adventures builds the same storytelling muscles.

Ages 6-7: Social Awareness

Early elementary kids are navigating friendships and fairness.

What works:

• "Who did you choose for your partner today?"
• "Did anyone break the rules? What happened?"
• "What was the hardest thing you did today?"
• "Who was kind to you today?"

Pro tip: Share your own "high and low" first to model vulnerability.

Activity pairing: Family News Flash practices sharing the day's events.

Ages 8-9: Abstract & Emotional

Older kids can handle reflective questions.

What works:

• "What made you think today?"
• "Did anything feel unfair?"
• "What would you do differently if you could redo today?"
• "What are you looking forward to tomorrow?"

Pro tip: Ask fewer questions, listen more. They need processing time.

Activity pairing: Family Debate Showdown channels their developing opinions.

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When Your Child Won't Talk (The Reluctant Talker Guide)

Children who go silent after school are usually overstimulated, not secretive. The most effective strategies are: delaying questions until bath/bedtime, talking during parallel activities (cooking, building), sharing YOUR day first to model vulnerability, and using play-based debriefs with toys. Some children open up better when not making eye contact (car rides, walks).

Some kids just don't want to talk after school. That's okay — it's not rejection, it's regulation.

Why They Go Silent

Reason	What's Happening	What Helps
Overstimulated	Sensory overload from classroom	Quiet time before questions
Tired	Mental exhaustion from focusing	Snack and rest first
Processing	Still making sense of events	Delay questions until bedtime
Privacy	Developing independence	Respect their boundary, try later
Nothing notable	Routine day, nothing stood out	That's actually fine!

Strategies That Actually Work

1. The Delayed Ask Don't pounce at pickup. Wait until bath time or bedtime when they're relaxed. Many kids open up in the car or when you're not making eye contact.

2. The Parallel Activity Talk while doing something else — cooking, building blocks with Epic Tower Build-Off, or drawing together. Side-by-side conversation feels less intense.

3. The Reverse Share Share YOUR day first, in detail. "I had a meeting that was so boring, I almost fell asleep. Then I had chai with a colleague and we laughed about..." Model the vulnerability you want to see.

4. The Third-Party Prompt "I wonder what [friend's name] did today?" or "What do you think [sibling] learned in their class?" Talking about others is easier than talking about self.

5. The Written Option For older kids, try a shared journal. You write a question, they write an answer. Some kids express better in writing. Or try Detective Novelist's Den for creative written expression.

6. The Play-Based Debrief Use toys to act out school scenarios. "Can you show me with your toys what happened at break time?" Play is often easier than direct conversation.

What NOT to Do

• Don't interrogate — rapid-fire questions feel like pressure
• Don't compare — "Your sister always tells me about her day" backfires
• Don't lecture — if they share a problem, listen before advising
• Don't take it personally — their silence isn't about you

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Best Times to Talk (Timing Matters)

Time	Why It Works	Why It Might Not
Right after school	Events are fresh	They're tired and hungry
Snack time	Relaxed, blood sugar rising	May be distracted by food
Dinner	Family together, ritual	Siblings compete for attention
Bath time	Calm, private, no eye contact	May be too tired
Bedtime	Relaxed, seeking connection	May use talking to delay sleep
Car rides	Captive audience, no eye contact	Siblings present, distractions

The sweet spot for most families: 30-60 minutes after arriving home, during snack or early evening play time.

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How Parents Can Apply This Today

You don't need a formal "meeting" to start this. Here are a few ways to weave it into your daily routine:

• The Snack Time or Bed time Chat: While they are having their milk and biscuits, or during their bedtime routine, share your "high" and "low" first. Be honest but age-appropriate. "My high was finishing an important task at office; my low was I didn't drink enough water today"
• The "One Thing" Rule: If "Highlights and Lowlights" feels too heavy, ask for one specific thing. "Who did you sit next to during snack break?" or "What was the funniest thing someone said today?"
• The Dabba Clue: Use their lunch box as a conversation starter. "I saw you ate all your bhindi! Did you eat it quickly so you could go play, or did you share some with your friends?"
• Activity-Based Conversations: Do an activity together like Our Wonderful Family Tree or Family News Flash where sharing stories is built into the game.

The goal isn't to get a full report. The goal is to let them know you are a safe space for all their stories, the shiny ones and the messy ones.

For example, last week, my son mumbled his 'Lowlight' - "I didn't open my mouth in music class today." My first instinct was to lecture him about participation and listening to the teacher. But because we were doing 'Highs and Lows,' I paused and just asked, "That sounds hard. Why was that your low?". That's when the real story came out. "If I sing wrong, Rohan will laugh like he laughed at Arjun." Suddenly, I realized I wasn't dealing with a kid who doesn't like to sing; I was seeing a 6-year-old grappling with social anxiety and fear of judgment. That one question helped us have a 20-minute heart-to-heart about confidence that we never would have had with a simple "How was school?"

Developmental Benefits

Cognitive

Recalling specific events requires "episodic memory." This is the brain's ability to remember specific events in a sequence. By practicing this daily, kids get better at organizing their thoughts and narrative skills. Activities like Amazing Adventure Story Chain and Magic Story Stone Adventures help develop these same storytelling skills. They start to understand that stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Social-Emotional

This is the big win. Discussing a "lowlight" helps a child label feelings like frustration, sadness, or boredom. It builds empathy too. If you share your own lowlight (maybe you got stuck in a long traffic jam near the market), they see that adults have tough moments and handle them too. The Family Debate Showdown activity is another great way to practice expressing and defending feelings in a playful setting.

Want more ways to connect with your child beyond conversation? Browse our reading activities for shared story time, or check out screen-free indoor activities for when you need to keep them engaged. And don't miss our guide on building a love for stories—reading together is another powerful way to open up conversations.

References

• Fivush, R. (2007). Maternal Reminiscing Style and Children's Developing Understanding of Self and Emotion. Clinical Social Work Journal, 35(1), 37-46.
• Eisenberg, N., Cumberland, A., & Spinrad, T. L. (1998). Parental Socialization of Emotion. Psychological Inquiry, 9(4), 241-273.