Stop Asking "How Was School": Using Simple Routines to Get Kids to Talk

We’ve all been there. You’re waiting at the bus stop or helping your child out of the auto-rickshaw after a long day. You’re dying to know what happened in that classroom for six hours. You ask, "How was school today?" and you get the dreaded, one-word answer: "Fine." Or maybe just a shrug as they reach for their water bottle.

It isn't that they are being secretive. For a 5-year-old, "school" is a massive, blurry concept. Asking how it was is like asking us to summarize our entire career in one sentence while we’re trying to take our shoes off. They are tired, perhaps a bit overstimulated, and honestly, they’d rather think about their evening snack than recount a math lesson.

Why This Matters

When we use routines like "Highlights and Lowlights" method, we give children a framework. Instead of a broad question, we ask for one good thing and one not-so-good thing. This narrows the focus. It helps them sift through the noise of the day, and find a specific story to tell.

This approach changes the dynamic from an interrogation to a conversation. It shows them that we care about their feelings, not just their performance or whether they finished their dabba.

What Research Says

Psychologists have found that the way parents talk to their children about the past helps shape the child’s developing sense of self. Research indicates that "elaborative reminiscing", where parents ask specific, open-ended questions about shared or individual experiences, leads to better memory and higher emotional intelligence (Fivush, 2007).

By asking for a "lowlight," we also normalize the idea that it’s okay to have a bad moment. Studies on emotional socialization suggest that when parents acknowledge and discuss negative emotions, children develop better coping mechanisms (Eisenberg et al., 1998).

How Parents Can Apply This Today

You don't need a formal "meeting" to start this. Here are a few ways to weave it into your daily routine:

• The Snack Time or Bed time Chat: While they are having their milk and biscuits, or during their Bed time, share your "high" and "low" first. Be honest but age-appropriate. "My high was finishing an important task at office; my low was I didn't drink enough water today"
• The "One Thing" Rule: If "Highlights and Lowlights" feels too heavy, ask for one specific thing. "Who did you sit next to during snack break?" or "What was the funniest thing someone said today?"
• The Dabba Clue: Use their lunch box as a conversation starter. "I saw you ate all your bhindi! Did you eat it quickly so you could go play, or did you share some with your friends?"

The goal isn't to get a full report. The goal is to let them know you are a safe space for all their stories, the shiny ones and the messy ones.

For example, last week, my son mumbled his 'Lowlight' - "I didn't open my mouth in music class today." My first instinct was to lecture him about participation and listening to the teacher. But because we were doing 'Highs and Lows,' I paused and just asked, "That sounds hard. Why was that your low?". That's when the real story came out. "If I sing wrong, Rohan will laugh like he laughed at Arjun." Suddenly, I realized I wasn't dealing with a kid who doesn't like to sing; I was seeing a 6-year-old grappling with social anxiety and fear of judgment. That one question helped us have a 20-minute heart-to-heart about confidence that we never would have had with a simple "How was school?"

Developmental Benefits

Cognitive

Recalling specific events requires "episodic memory." This is the brain's ability to remember specific events in a sequence. By practicing this daily, kids get better at organizing their thoughts and narrative skills. They start to understand that stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Social-Emotional

This is the big win. Discussing a "lowlight" helps a child label feelings like frustration, sadness, or boredom. It builds empathy too. If you share your own lowlight (maybe you got stuck in a long traffic jam near the market), they see that adults have tough moments and handle them too.

References

Eisenberg, N., Cumberland, A., & Spinrad, T. L. (1998). Parental Socialization of Emotion. Psychological Inquiry, 9(4), 241-273.

Fivush, R. (2007). Maternal Reminiscing Style and Children’s Developing Understanding of Self and Emotion. Clinical Social Work Journal, 35(1), 37-46.